Still Here

Hey, everyone. I'm still around. Bill and I have been separated for about 2.5 months now. The logistics are all fucked up, but this is the way it needs to be right now. We're living under the same roof since I've been a stay-at-home mom for the last 3.5 years. He's in the basement, and I'm up on the second floor.

What's killing me today? I'm tired of no sex and no love. It's been about 4 years that I've lived in a sexless marriage. For someone like me, this is like a really slow slow slow death.

A lot of things are good with me. But this one is not, and it's truly killing me.

That's about it for now.

Toxicity

This marriage is toxic. Period. This is not about assessing blame, pointing fingers, or who is right or wrong. I cannot live without the things that I need, and I certainly don't want my daughter to live through the misery of two people who put her in a rough situation.

I'm going to call the time of death.

I'm scheduling an appointment with a counselor to explain my position before I take Bill to the second visit. And at the second visit, I'll lay out why this has not been a functional relationship for years and that we need to move on. I'm going to do it with a counselor because I want to have a third party back-up; Bill obviously doesn't believe things that I say. Maybe he will see the validity with a professional.

Neither of us is a bad person, and neither of us is to blame. I just truly believe in my heart of hearts that we cannot be for each other what we need to be; we aren't the right match. We cannot create a connection of souls between us.

I'm in search of anam cara - my soul-friend, the one who understands me in ways I don't even understand myself. My biggest fear is that I'll spend the rest of my life looking, or going through unrequited love, or some other bullshit. But at least I'll be available in case he really is out there for me.

So on the tails of anam cara, to my male commentor anonymous D - if you're still lurking, do you mind delurking to answer this for me: do you think the guy that I really want is out there?

About Bill

So I've been ranting about what's up from my end and I feel as though on the eve of our fifth wedding anniversary, I owe it to Bill to perhaps shed some light on him. I think maybe I've made him sound like some completely irreverent, disrepectful asshole. In truth, he's not (at least not intentionally). And that's what makes all of this so much more complicated.

Bill is a socially nervous type. As long as he has access to alcohol, he can enjoy himself among people. When the scene is proofless, well, Bill is a wreck. But he can truly be a fun guy to be around, although even when he's got a glass of brew, his humor is still a bit goofy. That being said, he doesn't ever drink at home. It makes me nervous, though, that he can't be without the brew when we're out. Totally insecurity crutch. Who's with me?

Bill also has issues getting close with anyone. Even me from the get-go. I assumed that our relationship would progress over time, but that hasn't happened. It's like he's so worried about the worst-case scenario that he can't live in the moment. He isn't really close to his parents or sister. His hugs are always distant, his eyes never intense or warm. Everything is very business-like and unemotional.

When I was pregnant with Ellie, Bill was so nervous about the pregnancy that he rarely touched my belly or talked to Ellie in utero. This was a man that was begging for kids within weeks of our marriage.

Once Ellie was born, Bill had terrible night terrors at least once a night for months (he still occasionally has nightmares). I awoke one night to find him banging his head on a doorframe at full throttle in the middle of one of these. I begged him the next day to go talk to someone. I asked if there was anything I could do to help him deal with his stress. He's totally clammed up since then, despite my repeated attempts to be open and here for him, encouraging him to deal with the dreams whether it was by talking with me or with a professional.

I've asked him several times if there are things he needs to get off of his chest. He insists that there is nothing in his past that poses an issue. I think that shit is so huge I could fertilize the entire neighborhood with it. I cannot help someone who doesn't want help, especially when they refuse to admit that their behavior isn't odd or stressful.

Bill's parents have always had an odd marriage. His mom apparently gave up everything so that his dad could work overnights. Currently, his dad has retired and spends most of his time two states away with his brothers. He comes home for sometimes a week at a time, but basically Bill's mom and 27 year old sister (who works only part-time, still lives at home, and has no desire to get her own life) live with three dogs they obsess over. WTF? Why are they still married? Don't get me into all of the God shit. Did I mention that Bill was raised in an extremely strict household?

By the way, I myself am a person of faith. What these people believe is a damn-near mockery. Seriously. They give me the old school idealized southern Christianity, but refuse to believe that somehow all of God's love translates to all people. Yeah. Nice. Thanks for representing The Faith. But I've always listened to their ideals with an open mind, because I believe the essence of Christianity is COMPASSION. Somehow, that got left out of their translation. Look at me being non-compassionate-like. I know. That's why I need God. I'm not perfect, and I know it.

Speaking of compassion, that's what has really disturbed me about our whole relationship. If I attempt to discuss anything, even out of compassion or concern, Bill cannot handle it. He used to get up and walk out in the middle of our conversations. We've progressed to the point where we can speak (again in a very business-like manner) about our relationship, but it almost feels like too little, too late.

More later...

Loneliness Kills

The night shift sucks.

Bill has been working overnights since he was 19. His shift begins in the late afternoon and sends him back home well after midnight (usually after 2). When we first talked about a future together, I expressed concern over his hours and the effect it would have on a family. I was working days, and he worked nights. We saw each other for lunch on Wednesdays and then on the weekends, our time was pretty much limited to Sunday afternoons. He works a lot of 6 day weeks, and I didn't want to squash his social life, so I was sort of OK with that for a while.

Bill told me that if the schedule ever became an issue, he would consider switching to days. When it got really hard for me six months into our marriage, I brought it up. He shot it down, pretty much saying that we'd just have to deal until we had kids, and then we could talk about it again. And then when Ellie was born, I brought it up again. And I just brought it up yet AGAIN.

I told him, "The night shift has been slowly killing us."

He put on the most serious face I've never seen and said, "No, it's killing you. I'm not going to rearrange my life for you."

Fuck that. Who quit her job with a major US corporation to stay home? Who gave up her entire social life because she had to stay home with a baby that didn't sleep every night of the week? Who gave it ALL up because he left her no other real choice?

I'm sick of being lonely at night. And during the day.

Do you know what I would give to be kissed like I'm actually wanted?

Lightening It Up

So, it's been pretty thick here. There's still plenty of shit to delve into, but I thought perhaps you might like a peak at what I'd really love in a lover. Without further ado, I give you a list of things I'd love my ideal man to say (because we can dream in distress, right?).

I can't wait to go to your poetry reading on Tuesday.

You're not just any goddess; you're MY goddess.

I love you. For you. For your depth, your soul, your humor, your sarcasm, your strengths, your flaws.

Hey! Shakespeare in the Park is a month from this Saturday! Let's take Ellie and make a day of it.

Let's go grab some coffee and talk - just the two of us.

Wanna be an exhibitionist and make love in the bookstore?

Ferlinghetti is my hero, too.

What do you want me to read to you before we go to bed - Kerouac, Milton, Donne, or Blake? I know you love all of them.

(at the first kiss of foreplay) Let me take my time and do this right.

(WARNING NC-17 rated : an hour later) Baby, I want to come with you this time.

Your body is amazing. You carried and sustained a life for almost three years. How could I not love it?

Season tickets to The Rep? AWESOME!

Of course you can have the entire weekend to yourself.

I miss you.

Your happiness means so much to me.

Your sorrows are my sorrows.

You don't have to be the strong one all of the time.

Let me hold you.

Affairs and Open Marriages

The subject of affairs came up in the comments from my post the other day. This is definitely an issue I need to address. I have not had an affair to this point, and I would like to offer some insight as to why.

I believe that every person with whom I come in contact has something unique and important to bring to my life experience. I have a deep amount of respect for people as individuals - fellow beings who are trying to get through life just like me. Even if I don't understand how or why people behave in the way that they do, I still respect them as God-breathed beings. I think all people deserve to be honored.

Bill is no exception to this rule. I want to respect him as a human being with thoughts and feelings and all of that, especially since that is part of the whole marriage deal. If I were to purposefully have an affair, I would intentionally be breaking with my own conscience. I don't want it to be ever said of me that I disrespected him (or anyone) as a person.

However, I also recognize that this becomes harder with every conversation we have wherein Bill reiterates that nothing is wrong, that I'm asking too much, or refuses to listen in the first place. In other words, it's harder to give respect when you are consistently disrespected.

This is exactly why I feel like after all of these years, I have to make a decision about this relationship.

In several of our last conversations, Bill has actually said to me in complete seriousness that if I need to go get a boyfriend to be happy at home, then I should do it (he does not want a girlfriend). He does not understand that all of this is not just about sex or affection or me having wild oats to sow. What is this about for me?

Unconditional love. Intimacy. Partnership. Understanding. Compassion. Soul-tending.

I've met lots of people over the last year as I've really come into my own self. Have I met anyone with whom I've connected and I wish I could know better? Absolutely. However, I can't allow that to distract me from trying to wade through The Muck here at home so that a decision can be reached.

I'm trying to take the Moral High Road here, but I have to admit that after all of these years of sucking it up, I'm wearing out. I'm trying so hard.

We are going to go to counseling to try and talk this out. However, let it be known that he has said he doesn't think it will change anything. These issues are mine only, according to him, and he has flat out told me that he's washed his hands of my happiness.

Nice.

Sex and History

The different histories of Bill and I should probably come into play here. So, you're about to learn more than you probably want to know. Wait - if you didn't want to know you probably wouldn't come in here. So void out the TMI. This is the deal.

Coming into our relationship, I was the more experienced of us. Really. As in I am the only one with prior experience at all. I know some people would call BULLSHIT on any guy who maintained his cherry until he reached the ripe old age of 25 (when there is no religious or moral objection to sex), but it's totally true. I know he wouldn't lie about it, and quite honestly, it was very obvious to me that he was the real deal the first time we had sex. Ugh, but kind of awkwardly cute, you know?

Bill was not a serious dater. He'd go out with a girl once or twice and that would be it. So, in essence, he never was with a girl long enough to reach the bedroom, unless he was dating bar flies or one-night-standers, which are totally not his type. He's conservative, and when I was 23, that was really appealing to me for a number of reasons. It was not until within the last year that I found out Bill never made out with girls in high school, and only a couple in the college-age years. WTF?!

I, on the other hand, was a serial monogamist. I lost my virginity at 18 (although I claim no rights to supreme innocence from about age 14 on) to a guy I'd known for years and deeply loved. He was one of four lovers before Bill. I'm all about quantity within the quality. In other words, I was choosy about who I slept with, but once it happened with each partner, I was a fucking rabbit. I tried to have a one-night stand when I was 21. It turned into a nine month relationship (at his request). Go figure.

Anyway, what's really missing between Bill and I is a connection. He cannot connect emotions and sex. In his world, they are two entirely separate ideas. And let me tell you, he buries his emotions so deep that not even the coal miners would be able to find them. Bill prefers it that way. He actually told me the other night that we have sex "just because it feels good." That's it? Yes, in his opinion, that's it. I guess by "we" he means "him," because I'm certainly not happy. This is a problem for me for many reasons. I recently had an e-mail convo with a friend about this. Here's what I had to say in that e-mail:

The Triquetra that I wear around my neck is symbolic of the mind, body, spirit connection - which is paramount to my life. In our instant gratification driven culture, we've taken the mind/spirit part out of lots of things, including (unfortunately) sex. Not that I haven't been one to round out an evening with getting pounded like a cheap steak from time to time, but I digress. Sex, in a tantric sense, is about the union of compassion and wisdom. How deep and mind-blowing is THAT shit? And on top of the yummy feel-goodness of it all? Now THAT is some love making. I believe that sexuality is a force FAR more powerful in the spiritual sense than we would like to acknowledge because it would complicate our primal desire to drag a piece of ass to the finish line on the weekend. Sexuality is the only force capable of creating life, and the life force is the strongest force we can experience on this planet. So, in short, we deny ourselves the experience of the greatest power known to humankind for the sake of biological instant gratification. Not that there's anything wrong with that if that's all you want. But that doesn't address the spirtiual need that many of us have (myself included) for intimacy.

Bill believes that two emotionless kisses should be sufficient foreplay. He was actually offended recently one night when I told him I wasn't ready (I mean really physically not ready). He pouted and went to sleep. He doesn't kiss me during sex. He doesn't look me in the eye. He doesn't stretch or even pretend to reach for my satisfaction. We've had several conversations about this over the years, and it falls on deaf ears. I've even invited him several times to "the show" so he can learn my ways, but he only hangs on for a couple of minutes and then rolls over and goes to sleep. So, basically, I feel like a fuck rag.

I would venture to say I could count on one hand how many times we've had sex in the last year. Sad. Especially for a girl who's hitting peak time. And who wants it all the time, but not just for the physical aspect - I need the emotional as well. But not from him. No, I'm not running around. I'm just horny, lonely, and frustrated as hell.