The subject of affairs came up in the comments from my post the other day. This is definitely an issue I need to address. I have not had an affair to this point, and I would like to offer some insight as to why.
I believe that every person with whom I come in contact has something unique and important to bring to my life experience. I have a deep amount of respect for people as individuals - fellow beings who are trying to get through life just like me. Even if I don't understand how or why people behave in the way that they do, I still respect them as God-breathed beings. I think all people deserve to be honored.
Bill is no exception to this rule. I want to respect him as a human being with thoughts and feelings and all of that, especially since that is part of the whole marriage deal. If I were to purposefully have an affair, I would intentionally be breaking with my own conscience. I don't want it to be ever said of me that I disrespected him (or anyone) as a person.
However, I also recognize that this becomes harder with every conversation we have wherein Bill reiterates that nothing is wrong, that I'm asking too much, or refuses to listen in the first place. In other words, it's harder to give respect when you are consistently disrespected.
This is exactly why I feel like after all of these years, I have to make a decision about this relationship.
In several of our last conversations, Bill has actually said to me in complete seriousness that if I need to go get a boyfriend to be happy at home, then I should do it (he does not want a girlfriend). He does not understand that all of this is not just about sex or affection or me having wild oats to sow. What is this about for me?
Unconditional love. Intimacy. Partnership. Understanding. Compassion. Soul-tending.
I've met lots of people over the last year as I've really come into my own self. Have I met anyone with whom I've connected and I wish I could know better? Absolutely. However, I can't allow that to distract me from trying to wade through The Muck here at home so that a decision can be reached.
I'm trying to take the Moral High Road here, but I have to admit that after all of these years of sucking it up, I'm wearing out. I'm trying so hard.
We are going to go to counseling to try and talk this out. However, let it be known that he has said he doesn't think it will change anything. These issues are mine only, according to him, and he has flat out told me that he's washed his hands of my happiness.
Nice.
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10 comments:
Oh, that last line is so sad, and also I relate.
I've wanted to go to counseling several times, and as you can probably gather even from the light-hearted nature of my blog, our relationship is not easy.
I've even gone to counseling BY MYSELF before, just to see if it would help. I think it does, even if he's not invested. And at least you can feel that you've done all you could.
Again, I'm stunned. I cannot fathom his not caring about your emotional needs. Why does he stay married to you if he doesn't give a damn about your happiness? What's his drive?
I commend you for going the counseling route. Although, in my experience if one partner is placing all the blame on the other, counseling will not work. The counselor usually gets blamed for taking "your side" because he or she will point out (gently, of course) what an asshat your husband is being.
Hey, girls. I did go to counseling myself for about 6 months to get my ducks in a row, to make sure that I was in a good place. Now that I found my voice, I know I'm not in a good place. Hence the pissed off goddess. Pissed off as in how did I let this happen?
Ugh! Babe, I affirm you in not going the route of an affair. I think it would lead you down an even worse emotional roller coaster. I'm prayin' for you!
How did you let this happen? I'm not judging in any way. I've been 'the other woman' and I know the toll infidelity takes on everyone's psyche.
It would just help to have some context.
anon A: Thanks, babe. I'm trying to keep it together.
anon B: The whole "letting this happen" refers to getting myself into the full throes of despair with this marriage. Maybe if I'd pushed more for what I really needed years ago, instead of giving everything up for him to keep the peace, I wouldn't be in this emotional void. Does that clarify a bit? If I've been vague, please let me know.
Washing his hands of your happiness? Are you flipping kidding me?
I admire and respect that you are staying strong and respectful of the hubby and not having an affair. Since I feel like I am reading my own failed marriage story when I read your blog, let me just say one thing. BE CAREFUL. A person can only handle so much. If it can't be fixed, get out before your moral integrity shows that it is not infallible.
There is hope and light on the other side.
Hi again; Just to add my two cents - when my husband and I were in the process of getting back together, we considered an "open relationship." Didn't happen. I'm not quite sure why, but I'm glad now. It's so hard to fight for monogamy under the best circumstances, let alone with what you're going through. Thank you for continuing to share your story.
Not Really Annonymous Kim
This is a very typical scenario in troubled relationships, Woman gives up self to keep the peace in the relationship, thinking if she makes man happy he’ll appreciate her more and they’ll have one big happy family. Well in reality, man doesn’t notice woman’s efforts, woman gets hurt that he doesn’t appreciate her, depressed that she’s given up herself for nothing in return and than finally grows angry enough to tell him. And you know what his typical responds is: “Why are you so upset!? What’s wrong with you?! Why are you acting so crazy?!”
A therapist told me once that he was amazed how many wives complain to him that their husbands never compliment or take notice in them. Not even a “ you look nice,”! I really believe women (me included) are to some degree are seekers of companionship and intimacy. If these husbands would give their wives even 10% more affection and attention the wives would be so happy. But unfortunately many men are dumber than a box of rocks.
My Advice: If he refuses to step up, especially after counseling, get out.
sp: Thanks for your support (that sounds like a Bartyles & James commercial). Seriously. I appreciate you being here.
Non-anon Kim: Thanks for your honesty. I think the whole open relationship thing is troubling, too.
Babyblue: Couldn't agree with you more...
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