About Bill

So I've been ranting about what's up from my end and I feel as though on the eve of our fifth wedding anniversary, I owe it to Bill to perhaps shed some light on him. I think maybe I've made him sound like some completely irreverent, disrepectful asshole. In truth, he's not (at least not intentionally). And that's what makes all of this so much more complicated.

Bill is a socially nervous type. As long as he has access to alcohol, he can enjoy himself among people. When the scene is proofless, well, Bill is a wreck. But he can truly be a fun guy to be around, although even when he's got a glass of brew, his humor is still a bit goofy. That being said, he doesn't ever drink at home. It makes me nervous, though, that he can't be without the brew when we're out. Totally insecurity crutch. Who's with me?

Bill also has issues getting close with anyone. Even me from the get-go. I assumed that our relationship would progress over time, but that hasn't happened. It's like he's so worried about the worst-case scenario that he can't live in the moment. He isn't really close to his parents or sister. His hugs are always distant, his eyes never intense or warm. Everything is very business-like and unemotional.

When I was pregnant with Ellie, Bill was so nervous about the pregnancy that he rarely touched my belly or talked to Ellie in utero. This was a man that was begging for kids within weeks of our marriage.

Once Ellie was born, Bill had terrible night terrors at least once a night for months (he still occasionally has nightmares). I awoke one night to find him banging his head on a doorframe at full throttle in the middle of one of these. I begged him the next day to go talk to someone. I asked if there was anything I could do to help him deal with his stress. He's totally clammed up since then, despite my repeated attempts to be open and here for him, encouraging him to deal with the dreams whether it was by talking with me or with a professional.

I've asked him several times if there are things he needs to get off of his chest. He insists that there is nothing in his past that poses an issue. I think that shit is so huge I could fertilize the entire neighborhood with it. I cannot help someone who doesn't want help, especially when they refuse to admit that their behavior isn't odd or stressful.

Bill's parents have always had an odd marriage. His mom apparently gave up everything so that his dad could work overnights. Currently, his dad has retired and spends most of his time two states away with his brothers. He comes home for sometimes a week at a time, but basically Bill's mom and 27 year old sister (who works only part-time, still lives at home, and has no desire to get her own life) live with three dogs they obsess over. WTF? Why are they still married? Don't get me into all of the God shit. Did I mention that Bill was raised in an extremely strict household?

By the way, I myself am a person of faith. What these people believe is a damn-near mockery. Seriously. They give me the old school idealized southern Christianity, but refuse to believe that somehow all of God's love translates to all people. Yeah. Nice. Thanks for representing The Faith. But I've always listened to their ideals with an open mind, because I believe the essence of Christianity is COMPASSION. Somehow, that got left out of their translation. Look at me being non-compassionate-like. I know. That's why I need God. I'm not perfect, and I know it.

Speaking of compassion, that's what has really disturbed me about our whole relationship. If I attempt to discuss anything, even out of compassion or concern, Bill cannot handle it. He used to get up and walk out in the middle of our conversations. We've progressed to the point where we can speak (again in a very business-like manner) about our relationship, but it almost feels like too little, too late.

More later...