This marriage is toxic. Period. This is not about assessing blame, pointing fingers, or who is right or wrong. I cannot live without the things that I need, and I certainly don't want my daughter to live through the misery of two people who put her in a rough situation.
I'm going to call the time of death.
I'm scheduling an appointment with a counselor to explain my position before I take Bill to the second visit. And at the second visit, I'll lay out why this has not been a functional relationship for years and that we need to move on. I'm going to do it with a counselor because I want to have a third party back-up; Bill obviously doesn't believe things that I say. Maybe he will see the validity with a professional.
Neither of us is a bad person, and neither of us is to blame. I just truly believe in my heart of hearts that we cannot be for each other what we need to be; we aren't the right match. We cannot create a connection of souls between us.
I'm in search of anam cara - my soul-friend, the one who understands me in ways I don't even understand myself. My biggest fear is that I'll spend the rest of my life looking, or going through unrequited love, or some other bullshit. But at least I'll be available in case he really is out there for me.
So on the tails of anam cara, to my male commentor anonymous D - if you're still lurking, do you mind delurking to answer this for me: do you think the guy that I really want is out there?
8 comments:
Love ya girl!
My heart and my prayers are with ya. It's gonna suck (aren't I all puppies and rainbows?) but you are strong enough!
I'm glad you've come to a decision. It's going to be tough, but worth it in the long run. I'm here if you need ANYTHING at all, babe.
I think you've got a good attitude towards this. Blaming, pointing, those will only make it harder. It's about focusing on moving on, on the end goal. You're stong, and you'll come out of this stronger and better. (and probably a little bruised, too, but stronger)
Is your guy out there? I won't claim to have any more insight on that than anyone else reading here. But yes, I believe that he is. But don't expect him to show up on a white horse the first time you meet him. I contend that usually more kind and self confident guys don't need to (or do things) just to prove something or just for show off. You'll eventually find that he does ride a great white stallion, but when he needs to, not just to show off. But stay open, as my gut says that he may not be in the form you expect in your vision. Just make sure really cares about you, really...
You're on your way, and the sun will come, and you can get there.
-D
(and sorry, wife and kids happening around here)
not that you asked, but i think that person is for SURE, out there. it may even be the bill that is hidden deep within himself. i can tell you that once my husband worked on himself, i loved him even more, and continue to each day...
i have however been in another relationship where my partner was not at all interested in change and wanted to live the same life till he died, whether i liked it or not. and since i didn't like it, i got out. not saying that is the right answer for you, but you seem very strong and that you know what do and don't want. i hope that you find what you are looking for. you deserve it, everyone does!
I am with Erica, good to hear you have reached a decision and that you are ready to move on. While we don't face serious marital problems there's definitely something going on in the bedroom department that makes me doubt things. It is hard to explain but maybe, if the right mood strikes me, I will explain in more detailed over at my pink apartment.
I'm happy, and sad, to hear this. It's just so tough. If it feels like a relief, though, it's the right thing.
It's never too late to get back on track towards the life you want.
It's been a while and I just thought I'd drop you a note saying I'm thinking about ya.
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